100 Ways of Evan Dying: Revisited
by Cajun Charmer
Summary: Evan keeps having strange nighmares, could they be depicting the very near future? Mild violence including, sharks, pianos, knives, guns, more pianos, babies, car collisions, acid, large boulders, cacti, lead pipes and much much more. Not for Evan likers!
1. 1 to 20

_**Evan's Deaths**_

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**Evan entered his room, he lay down on his bed and he didn't like to sleep, because in his sleep, he had nightmares....**

**Evan was captured by Apocalypse; he was going to use him as a hostage but found him so unbearably annoying, he decided to hang him over a vat of shark infested acid, and slowly lowers him in, leg first.**

**Scott invited Evan on a trip, just those two. Scott then travelled all the way to Texas, there he framed Evan and he was put to death, in the chair.**

**Evan decided to go for a walk; Logan, who was watching his every move, was following him. Evan was not aware of this and didn't notice Wolverine plunge his claws into his spine.**

**Professor X mentally crushed his brain.**

**Everybody decided it would be fun to lock Evan in the danger room, when they had him there, they put it on maximum level, he didn't stand a chance. **

**Kitty invited Evan up for a drink, he soon came up stairs, and when he did, Kitty picked up a metal pipe and used her power to phase it into him, she let go of it and phased her arm out, the pipe was stuck inside his brain.**

**John and Bobby had a competition; they wanted to see what was more effective when it came to killing someone. Evan, being the idiot he is, decided to volunteer as the test subject. **

**It was a stormy day; lightning was everywhere, coming down from the sky like no ones business, but non-the less there was an evil smile on Kurt's face. Nightcrawler asked Evan to go sort the T.V. Ariel, Evan, and of course said yes. **

**Evan was skateboarding through town, when six strangers with bags over their heads came from behind a corner and beat Evan savagely with loaves of stale bread.**

**All the X-men were on board the X-jet, Scott said that there was engine trouble and asked Evan to look at the back of the jet, when he did, Scott turned on the engine and roaring flames shoot out from the back of the jet.**

**Kurt teleported Evan and him self to the top of Mount Everest. Kurt then kicked him off the side, and watched him fall.**

**X-men willingly give Evan to Magneto, you see, Magneto needed to experiment with some of his inventions, needless to say, not many of them worked very well.**

**Jean thought it would be nice to take a stroll through the museum of swords, knives and acidic poisons, however when She and Evan were alone, she thought this was a perfect time to shoot him.**

**Wolverine took everyone Bungee jumping, and purposely didn't give Evan a rope, but that didn't stop stouthearted Evan.**

**Ororo took her nephew to look at fields of Cacti and other sharp plants, Evan opened the jet door to get a better look, and lets just say that Logan saw him "fall".**

**While all the adults were out, the X-kids thought it would be a good idea to do something fun, so they got Evan, tied him up, ran a bath and put him in it, if you didn't know what happens to toaster in bath water, you do now.**

**Evan was just about to get in the shower, but Remy had snuck in and kinetically charged the soap, the sponge and the showerhead, when Evan got in the shower KABOOM! Bits of Evan everywhere.**

**Kurt took Evan to a bar; there were all kinds of violent chapies in there. Kurt ported in the middle of the bar, with Evan and shouted abuses at all the strong, muscle bound men, he then ported back to the institute, leaving Evan behind.**

**While Evan was sleeping. Scott got a potato sack and managed to fit six building bricks, a load of heavy rocks from the garden, a sixteen-ton weight and of course Evan. Scott then managed to hurl the bag into the river Hudson.**

**The legendary baby crusade came to destroy the evil that they call Evan, super baby, the leader, used his mighty jumping power to get to Evan quickly disarm him, then Mugsey used her Extremely flexible skull to hold him down, then Dugsey used her unbelievably powerful left foot to kick him several times, then Poodle the poodle bit him on the leg, and when Evan thought it was all over, the mystical bag of the babies (It's the equivalent to the bat-mobile) fired oranges at him, this was what killed him.**

_**I really hate Evan, as you might have guessed. I'm going to do five chapters, twenty ways of Evan dying per chapter; by the way, the baby crusade will be in all of them.**_


	2. 20 to 40

**Evan woke up sweat pouring from his face, he had twenty different images of his death, most of them committed by his "friends"(who wouldn't be freaked out by that?). But anyway, he soon fell asleep again, afraid of his own mind.**

**An eagle came down from the sky and chased Evan across the landscape, Evan stopped, he thought he had escaped the giant bird, but he was wrong....**

**Evan was just getting some berries off a lovely ripe tree, he suddenly heard a plane's engine, and in the distance he could vaguely see a dot in the sky, when the dot started to get bigger Evan backed away a few steps, then went into a run, the plane was barley six metres away from the ground and it was shooting exploding bullets, he unfortunately met his demise that day.**

**A huge army truck loaded with TNT was backing slowly into a garage, Evan was walking past, he didn't notice the wet cement just out side the building, poor Evan, he was stuck in the ground. He then heard the screams of people inside and they all charged out the door screaming "it's gonna blow". Evan just hung his head with a sigh.**

**It was a lovely Christmas morning, all the X-kids came down the stairs to unwrap their presents, all the presents were unwrapped, apart from one, it was to Evan. Evan knelt down beside it, it said "from Logan" on it, all the X-kids backed away slowly. Evan unwrapped it to see three sticks of dynamite strapped to a clock "oh dear", BANG! All that was left was his stupid underwear.**

**It was Nightcrawler's birthday; all the X-men thought it would be a good idea to have a lovely party on a beautiful cliff face. Well, everyone playing pin the tail on the donkey and it was Evan's turn, they all directed him towards the donkey but made him miss and fall off the side of the cliff.**

**All the X-men thought it would be fun to enter Evan in a shark bating competition, who ever made it to shore won, there were no winners.**

**Kitty placed a brand new skateboard on floor outside the institute, she then made her way up to the top of the institute to join Kurt, the two mutants waited for Evan to come, when he did, they dropped the five ton weight they were supporting, it landed right on top of him.**

**(This is for you Lancitty92) Evan walked along the pavement, he soon noticed Pietro racing up behind him. Pietro picked him up and took him to the Brotherhood Boarding House. He was strapped to Fred's chair, well; all that happened was that Fred sat on him.**

**Evan admiring the view from the top of the institute, all that was needed was a little earthquake to make him fall, and guess who made one?**

**Super Baby (Of the Baby Crusade) was jumping from building to building looking for Evan. Evan was his archenemy, and only one of them could survive. Super Baby noticed Evan skateboarding into a small abandoned shed, one carefully placed mine was all he needed. **

**Jean organized another trip, but this time to museum of Stuffed Animals, Fairy tail books and puppies, well; when Jean and him were alone, she beat him to death with a pare of Alsatians.**

**Evan was checking his email when he came a cross a letter called "Chain letter Bomb". Evan double clicked on it muttering to himself "Whats a chain letter b" BANG! No one ever saw him again.**

**Evan had been complaining about a headache all week (Of course no one cared). But everyone thought it would be funny to replace his aspirin with tic-tacs, poisonous tic-tacs!**

**Nightcrawler thought it would be funny to put a cobra in Evan's bed.**

**Professor X thought was about time to introduce Evan to his flesh-eating Platypus.**

**Evan had just finished making a tree house. He invited Nightcrawler up to have a look at it, Evan was just getting up when Kurt pushed the ladder, fortunately, Logan's collection of jagged rocks broke his fall.**

**Ororo put a rickety, heavy clock on a bent rusted nail just above Evan's bed, when he went to bed, the whole think fell right on his head. **

**Forge knocked at the Institute's door. He had bought a present for Evan. Evan answered the door, and Forge fired his inter-dimension ray, it took Evan to the Dimension Piranhas, Rattlesnakes and falling pianos.**

**Pyro set Evan's bed on fire, and Evan being the idiot he is, didn't notice.**

**All the X-men went to archery practise; lets just leave it at that.**

**_I suppose your wondering why I hate Evan so much, well; it all started when I saw the episode when he became a morlock, it'_ _s just his righteous attitude and his god damn underwear, who wears underwear like that!? _**


	3. 40 to 60

**Evan screamed and shoot out of bed, he looked around with his eyes as wide as they could be. He wiped the sweat off his head, adjusted his underwear to it's proper place and went back to sleep.  
The X-men went on a group expedition to the farm of bees, wasps and other dangerous, flying insects. Well, all the X-men were ready with their protective suits, except for Evan, they all said his mutants power would protect him, they were wrong. **

**Toad hopped along the road and noticed Evan bending down, picking up a penny that was on the road; speeding cars were in an arms reach of him. This was too perfect.**

**Evan walked along the pavement, whistled a jolly little tune, said hello to Mrs. Robinson the green grocer, everything was happy, everything was jolly. Then a piano fell on his head.**

**Trevor the advertiser, he was dressed as a banana, holding a sign that said "Buy Barney's Bananas". He then saw Evan, and all hell broke loose. **

**Evan was getting chased by a giant bear, he came to the end of the cliff he was running on, he jumped, he then realised he could fly, he was practicing his new talent when suddenly a gigantic sparrow with huge teeth and red eyes mauled him to death. **

**Jean made another trip, to the museum of operas, plays and interesting situations. After that very enjoyable afternoon Jean set Evan on fire.**

**Evan had a heart attack. While he was recuperating in hospital a piano fell on his head.**

**Evan had another heart attack – this time fatal.**

**Bobby was having a splendid afternoon watching re-runs of 'friends', when Evan came in and turned onto 'Skate Park 460' he got mad, not just a little mad like he usually gets, actually body freezing, bone snapping, blood spurting angry.**

**Did you ever know that pulled up underwear angers bears? **

**Logan was sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast, he wasn't in a good mood, then Evan came down stairs. "Hey Dudes," he said.**

**Suddenly the words "Murderous Rage" came into Logan's head.**

**Evan was skating along the pavement minding his own business, when suddenly a herd of bulls came running at him, oh dear.**

**For Evan's birthday the professor gave him a new car, Evan immediately clambered in and started it, the professor smiled evilly as Evan sped down the small hill. The break wires had been cut.**

**Evan lay down in his lovely, hot bubble bath, the steam came blowing up to his face, but the taps didn't turn and the door was locked, he was going to drown, but he managed to squeeze out of the small window, once again falling on top of Logan's collection of jagged rocks.**

**Pietro invited Evan to a nice game of chess, they were laughing, having a great time, then Pietro shot him.**

**Mugsey and Dugsey, of the Baby Crusade, ran through the streets hunting Evan down, they saw him and shouted threats, Evan just stood their not sure what to do, but there was nothing to do, they were just to powerful.**

**Many moons ago their was a legend, a legend of stone figures coming to life by moonlight and protecting world, but this theory was crap, so everybody shot Evan to display their dissatisfied state.**

**Evan went to seaside and then a clan of rabid crabs attacked him.**

**Apocalypse captured Evan again. He then held him feet first over a vat of pineapple custard, pineapple custard of burning pain!!**

**Evan was walking through the park, he was looking around cautiously, he was used to bad stuff happening to him, but lately things were just ridiculous. Phew nothing had happened; he was walking back home when suddenly he fell into a ten-foot deep pond with flesh eating tadpoles and toads that have toxic eye juice. **

_**Okay, I'm running out of ideas, if you guys and girls have any items or people that you would like to kill Evan don't hesitate to tell me, I would be extremely happy if you did, so please review.**_


	4. 60 t0 80

**Hello again, I thank everybody who gave Ideas, they were so cool, and I totally agree with you Marrow Fan, he is a rip off of Marrow. _(I selected the best and funniest suggestions)_**

**Evan's eyes opened wide, he looked side to side then looked straight at the ceiling again, he couldn't believe what he was dreaming, each one was more bizarre, and quite sick! He stopped his weird thoughts, and set back to sleep.**

**Evan came into the kitchen opened the fridge and noticed a packet of processed cheese but what he didn't notice was that it was Logan's, and Logan was very fond of his processed cheese, and brutally beat everyone who ate one slice, no knew what would happen if anyone ate the whole packet.**

**Scott handed Evan a brand new skateboard, it was rigged to automatically race towards the school of murderers and insane knife wielders.**

**Tailfeathers's Legion of Evan Haters rode their horses quickly through the forest, their spears glinting in the moonlight as they stopped they faced Evan. Their spears pointed towards him, with one simple word, all 1,000,000 members charged.**

**Evan went to Broadway to see the musical "Cats", as soon as the cast saw him, they unsheathed their claws and attacked him, bits of underwear and fur everywhere. **

**Evan went to bed, when he awoke he found himself in the kitchen his head was inside a microwave, created just right size for his head. Shadowcat came into the kitchen opened the Evan-wave and put her breakfast in Evan's mouth and turned it on, the radioactive heat killed him, almost, then a piano fell on his head.**

**Evan went to the seaside to see the shark show, after that he went home and just got through the front door when suddenly a shark fell on him. "BRUCE!!!!!!!!!" All the X-men screamed. "Bruce was so young" Scott shook his head side to side. "It's okay Cyke, it's okay" Logan patted him on the back.**

**Sabretooth grabbed Evan by the face and squeezed all his body tightly together until it was a perfect sphere; he then invited Logan to have a lovely game of basketball. "Where d'yo get the ball?" Logan asked. "I...found it" Sabretooth answered. "You killed Evan didn't you?" Logan smiled at him. "Yeah, I did". Then they carried on with the game.**

**A flock of wild seagulls swooped down and attacked Evan. "Hey thank god they only took my skateboard" He then walked off a cliff.**

**A volcano erupted many were killed, well, only Evan.**

**Professor X smothered Evan with a crate of berets.**

**Butterflies pick one human every 5000 years to feast upon, guess who they picked this 5000th millennia? **

**Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after, then Evan fell down on top of the spikes that were attached to Jill's shoes.**

**An old lady was being mugged up ahead, Evan came to stop the violence, the muggers stopped, ignored the old lady and went straight to the most annoying person in the world.**

**Lightening doesn't strike in the same place twice, usually.**

**Jean made yet another trip, this time to the hairdresser, Louis, the barber, then cut Evan's head off with some wire cutters. **

**Kylie Minogue disembowelled Evan with a wicker basket, with the help of N'sync and The Spice Girls.**

**The Baby Crusade flew through the sky in the mystical bag of babies, and used their really cool super cool powers to destroy Evan, then they beat him with SPATULAS OF DOOM!**

**Harrison Ford and Susan Sarandon buried Evan alive.**

**Evan thought it would be fun to do some stand up comedy...in front of the students of the school of Murderers and insane Knife wielders.**

**There was a car crash close to where Evan was standing, Evan just stood there, terrified, a mongoose cage van moved rapidly towards him, burning with a blue flame, it stopped just in front of him, he sighed in relief, then it exploded.**

_**Notice the ones I chose, you should do, you sent 'em in, keep 'em coming, only twenty more to do, then I would have a clean hundred.**_


	5. Three long years

Three long years…

I haven't done a damn thing to this story for three years. I have read through it, and I laughed. I laughed a lot.

This is not because the jokes were funny, or the plot clever and witty or even the randomosity that I thrived on so much back then. It was simply and quite frankly shit. What did not improve my confidence, was the fact that this story is the one most favoured by the readers, now I respect the reader's opinion, and I respect that this story was a bit of a gimmick, and that people could have a lot of fun writing it.

I did not.

When I wrote this story, I was in my second year of high school, I was confused, scared and angry and I was just developing, what would turn out to be the most horrid thing ever, so far, in my life: acne.

With all honesty, till this day, I am still suffering from acne, it is rarer, my skin is smoothing, but every time I see one of those puss filled bastards I cry out! I cry out like a little school girl! But I made a vow, goddamn it! I said that one day I would be like a dog free zone, spotless.

It turns out I have an allergy to all wheat products: Bread, burgers, cookies and cakes. I am a teenage boy, wheat products were what I basically lived on! But I gave them up, I gave them and my skin is improving. I feel a little better about my self. Though through the hard years, I have written stories, some liked and some not.

History of Cajun Charmer's Fanfics

_Once Upon a Time in Coolville:_

My second ever story, I read it and was astounded by how bad it truly was. It mad little sense, full of complete non-humour and all in all, completely crap. Up until this day it has received one review. ONE review! That has got to be the saddest thing in the history of fan fiction.

But the thing is, I remember writing it, I remember writing it and saying "Goodness, I have written something funny" I even took it to school to show to my X-men hating friends. Man, I came home with that story shoved so far up my ass…

_Uncanny X-Mas:_

AHHHHH! I was crying when I read this, it is soooooo shit! What was I thinking, man? And those of you _dumb_ enough to give that a good review. My god! Although I despise all these stories I shall never delete them, they are going to stay there, and rot away into a volt on the internet with all the other forgotten shitty Fanfics.

But I made a definite improvement from my last story, with a grand total of….wait for it TWO reviews! I'm surprised I haven't won some kind of award! T'was a story to help roll in the Christmas spirit, all it did this Christmas was make me want to smother myself.

_Professor X's Secret Meeting:_

To quote an anonymous reviewer

'_I don't really think this is funny, at least, it's not in character for Xavier and Co. They're supportive educators, not lame comedians. If this is what floats your boat, all right then' Trollgorda _

Thank you, Trollgorda, thank you. In this story I received a loving total of seven reviews. In was completely blown away, for my last two stories I had received three altogether, I thought that was usual. But looking back, goodness…it was crap. There was almost no narrative telling you what's going on, it simply hangs on to shitty one liners and the occasion random elephant stampede.

_ROGUE TRIP:_

I recently found the sequel to this story hidden away in my old WordPro folder. It was almost as bad as its predecessor, but it had stiff competition. The X-men cast go on a road trip. Original or what?

Now, I first thought this up when I read a fanfic a lot like it, yes, I openly admit, I plagiarised someone else's story. I got eight reviews though, and I was pretty chuffed at the time. But to be honest, I was very excited about a secret fanfic I was working on; I was ready for it to receive so many reviews. But I didn't finish it till three stories later.

_The Heroes of Icewind Dale:_

Ah, my first non-x-men story, based on the character I had created in a game called Icewind Dale. Up to this day I love the game, but it has been tainted with the bitter taste of failure and this story.

Wow, breaking my own record zero reviews, man, I am quite something, but only when it comes to sucking. I was still working on my secret x-men fanfic though, bit by bit, getting ready for the reviews to start pouring in.

_Krull: X-men Style:_

What the hell was I on????

_Lord of the X-genes_:

Man, I still sort of have dreams of finishing this. I won't! I will never even come close to. But a man can dream, I thought it was pretty well cast, but I was caught in a quandary. The actual writing, I had thought for quite a while how to actually cast Lord of the Rings with X-men and had it all figured out. But should I take it seriously, it really wasn't my style, but I loved the books and movies so much I didn't really want to poke fun at it. So once again I delved into the thick and smelly pit of randomosity.

But, on the bright side, I had finished writing my masterpiece, I posted it straight way, wasting no time. I sat back and waited for the reviews to poor in…

_Where There's a Mill There's a Way:_

My masterpiece…received only two reviews, and one of them was a week ago. So it was pretty much one for most of the time. I re-read it. I hated it, and I nearly deleted the original file I had written.

I didn't, but I did swear and kick stuff because I was suffering writers block at the time, and was reading the story to try and make myself feel better.

I shall never look upon this story now, without bursting out laughing, it keeps ,me amused, and it did help me in the end, shows me how NOT to do things.

_Bubs and Bubbettes _

I have to say, I still like this story. It's not exactly well written but I find it funny. It's a lot more recent and a lot more thought out. My second highest number of reviews, with fourteen I like it. I still add things to it occasionally, but my attention at the moment is placed on something that needs to be done, and I think it shall my biggest hit. But that is what I said about _'Where There's a Mill There's a Way'_

_Giovanni of the Land:_

My first non x-men story (I try to pretend Heroes of Icewind Dale never existed). It is also serious, which is new for me to say the least. It's a Pokemon story, but it isn't at the same time. I have made everything slightly darker, and even though it is under the Pokemon category, you don't need to like Pokemon to understand or like it. In fact all you need to do is know what Pokemon are…and you'll soon see what really happened.

Please read it.

So there we have it, the history of my life on fan fiction. Eleven stories, more than half of them shit.

What I am writing to say is, I am going to finish off this story, and I am going to try and make the last ten Evan Daniel deaths funny! And really funny at that. But, I still need your help, though the other parts of this story are bad and tainted with random humour, I can't repeat a death method, so please tell me a way for him to die! Unleash your dark humour and try to inspire me!

This is Cajun Charmer signing out, thank you

_P.S._

_For those of you who suffer from acne, try cutting out different food types one at a time, the cause for acne is often an allergic reaction to a food, this is only temporary however, as soon as you're out of your teens and your acne is cleared up you can eat it again. When you're a teen your skin is that much more sensitive, and all these little allergies we had and didn't notice play up and try to ruin your life._

_And don't use hot water to rinse your face with, hot water cools down quickly and bacteria and germs can spread quicker, use cold water and a neutral soap, and never change soap brands too much_!


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